Breakdown.

[eggshellblue]

Ever have those times of startling clarity? Like, when suddenly the camera fish-eye lenses in a weird truck-out/zoom-in, creating a warped vertigo that cuts to a shot of your face, alive with complete and total panic?

I had one today.

So, I left Digital Tools early. I just couldn't do it. I sat there, I listened to him, I even tried to catch up, but I just couldn't do it. So I left, and headed over to an animation room to try and get some of my animal walk animation done. I had all my references out, my peg bar in the slot, the paper ready to go, pencil in hand. And I just stared at the page. I sat that way for probably a good ten minutes before realizing, and then it hit me:

I'm so screwed. My life is completely fucked up.

And then I sat there and listed off the reasons why my life is so fucked up, which only made everything worse of course.

My (extended) family is at a breaking point, there's this ridiculously huge feud going on and because of it, everyone's tensions are high. For the past two months it's been nothing but heated arguments at my house. And I don't mean bickering, I mean screaming and raging. Because of it, I fell behind on all of my assignments.

It's alright, I told myself, I can catch up during reading break and be back on track. Except that during reading week my grandfather fell ill with a bladder infection. He's 91. The doctors told us to expect the worst. What's worse is, because of the feud only my immediate family (my mother, father, brother and I) were able to take care of him (because he speaks no english, so someone has to stay with him at all times). I spent almost all of my week at the hospital.

One night, we recieved a phone call from the hospital. What do you expect when that happens? Well, it wasn't that, but it wasn't any better. What had happened was my father had almost been arrested. He had started to scream at the nurses because my grandfather was out in the hallway, not having the room we were told he was supposed to get. Well, the security had him at the desk, and said they wouldn't call the police if my mother came and collected him. So I went with her. 4 o' clock in the morning. When we go there, we discovered that my dad had been kicked out of the hospital. Apparently, the nurses had called the police on their own, and they had escorted him out. According to the security guard "He was last seen heading north."

My mother didn't have a car, we had taken a taxi there. It was 4am, and no one was with my grandfather who was out in the hallway. So, while she went to go look for him (heading vaguely north), I spent the next hour and a half alone with my grandfather. And it was one of the most terrifying experience of my life.

He'd move around, try to get up, try pulling out his tubes, and mutter things about people doing this and that, and it was all I could do to reassure him that he was safe, and that I was there, and he should rest. So he'd nod in comprehension, close his eyes for maybe a few minutes, and then start again. I can really barely speak Punjabi, and it's difficult enough to even communicate with my granparents. But when one is hallucinating and in pain, how could I even tell if it was real pain or something he was imagining, and that he needed to be left alone (according to nurses). It was painful enough to see my baba in that condition, but to not even be able to do anything? That night will probably be with me forever.

Thankfully, my mom found my dad, and we somehow resolved the issue, so he's allowed back at the hospital now.

And then break was over, before it even started. I had nothing to show for it. As it remains, I've handed in maybe one or two of the assignments I was supposed to do. I'm behind in all of my classes, and not even keeping up with current assingments. And the thing is, I just don't care anymore. I'm so emotionally drained, that I just have nothing left to give. I spend most of my time at school just talking or staring into space, thinking of nothing.

And then I have moments like today, when I realize just how screwed I am. I'm absolutely terrified that I'll be kicked out of the program, that I'll be out of school, without an education, having made nothing of myself.

I need to talk to my teachers, let them know whats going on. I know that I should. But a part of me just wants to give up, to curl up into a ball and let the world just keep going. Another part of me is too proud to admit to anyone that I've let myself fail to meet the challenges presented to me. And the last part just wants to cry. But the proud one won't let it. It only even begrudgingly allows me to type up my feelings into this post here, which I may just end up deleting. Who knows.

At this point, the only thing I can really do is work, and pray that I can do enough to just scrape by this year. I'll take the four month break to recollect myself, and hopefully next year will be better. Really, I can only just pray. 2008 is turning out to be one of the worst years of my life, and a part of me thinks that it can't get any worse than this.

But the other, more dominant part knows that that's bullshit. Knowing my luck, it's probably only just beginning.

Comments

[kyasuriin.livejournal.com]

oh sweetheart, I'm sorry things are so awful right now for you. It's so hard when someone you love is in pain and it's awful to have to be in the peripheral while your family is having this awful feud. I really hope things resolve themselves but in the meantime, you should probably see if your school has academic counsellors so instead of talking to each teacher individually, they may be able to vouch for you and work out a different assignment schedule.

Take care, k? *mwah*

[kageno.livejournal.com]

First of all I offer some major hugs. *hugs!* I agree with above person, see an academic counselor. They're usually pretty understanding (I saw one today), they deal with all kinds of issues and they're trained to help students with them. Don't give up, remember you love art in all its forms and you are blessed to have the gift of expressing yourself so wonderfully with visuals. Remember why you're in the animation program in the first place, you wanted to be there. Don't lose sight of your goal, even if the world crumbles around you. And there are people who love and care for you and want to see you get through. So fight on, tou-kun, fight on.

[rashkae.livejournal.com]

Try and remember why you're in Art School. Remember how badly, and I mean really badly you want to graduate, and learn, and stay in that school, and why you want it so badly.

You haven't failed yet. You've still got half a semester. You can still do this.

The first step is to simply let your teachers know that stuff is happening in your life, so that they can help you reach your goal.

Secondly, try not to worry; you don't have time to waste with panic. Get control of the situation. Write down your workload/assignments and don't be afraid of it—you can do it. You can.. Just go through the list one thing at a time. Do what you can do, day by day, even minute by minute if necessary.

If art school is one of the most important things in your life (and I assume it is), then your goal to graduate will probably give you the strength to do what you have to do, even if it's painful or shameful, even if it seems impossible.

You can do it, I know your strength and I know you can do it. Believe in me, who believes in you.

[lislocat.livejournal.com]

Dee! There are so many people who care about you at school and you should know that we are a huge net of support to be with you in times when you think you are overwhelmed and can do nothing. People will always be there you let them be. I sensed something today when we were talking but I didn't really think of it much at the time. But hun!We are all here to help, whatever you need you just gotta ask. And I really think you need to talk to a counsellor or something, they will give you as much time as they can without things being late. And sometimes it just takes someone to be there and be a stable support to help you. If I could get Boris better off in school I can certainly help you! I know you want this, you said Sheridan was your favourite place to be, you can't just let it go. Don't be like Patrick or the others who just gave up, I love you D! I know how sometimes the world pushes you through hard times, trust me, been there and don't want to do that again but working for the things you love and want will make you thrive... even if animation is a cruel mistress who pushes us around and leaves us tired and unfunctional. It's all worth it. And it's always worth it to open up to the people around you and let them know you are having some problems. Please talk to someone at the school, I can't imagine going through the next year of animation without your gorgeous laugh cheering us all up in the lab.

Amber

[zeitgeisha.livejournal.com]

Definately don't give up. You are amazing and talented and it'll be such a *waste* for you not explore that and reach your full potential. This is such a hard time for you, and I really hope your family will be alright, but you can't really control that...? But you can control you, and try to make it through all of this.

Like everyone else said, definately see a guidance counselor, a break is a good idea. Maybe it'll even give you new ideas..a fresh perspective? Please feel better ~hug~

[kathuerun.livejournal.com]

Dee, I love you, and I want you to continue doing what you love, even if that might not be animation.
I'll be repeating what everyone else essentially said, so:

1. Talk to the Animation administrator. It may be too late to save your 1st year, but that does not mean you will have to apply again, and if it does, then you just have that much more time to work out what's going on with your family without worrying that you have major assignments due.

2. Talk to a school councellor. True, they may not have had exactly the same experience as you are going through, but it always helps to talk to someone who, at least on paper, knows what to do.

3. Animation is not an easy thing to do - I know 3 people who because of family, money, and work drama have dropped courses to continue them over the summer, or over the next year. There is a reason that some people sleep over to work on their assignments, and they /don't/ have the stress of family happening to them.

4. You are not alone, and my own experience has taught me that talking to people about how crappy you're feeling about everything /does/ help. Crying helps, as well (even on your own), you are not feeling sorry for yourself when you do it, you are expressing how much you hurt and not hurting anyone else in the process.