Unresolved Issues?
Oct. 1st, 2006 08:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eggshellblueSo I joined Facebook today, mostly because Kasia threatened to eat my soul asked me very nicely. Yes.
I know I'm not gonna be too active on there, because the same thing happened with my Hi5 account too ~ *shrug*
But Jessica (my friend from Humber Nurseries, anyone?) was on there too, so we added eachother and proceeded to spam one another's walls (message boards) and generally had way too much funwhich borderlined on being internet geeky.
Talking to Jessica made me remember Nick, so I was like What the hell? What's the harm?. So, I looked him up to see if he was on there. Basically I went through like 10 pages of people named "Nick Michael" and couldn't find him. ARGH. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO HAVE SUCH A FREAKING COMMON NAME!? *deep breath*
But yeah, he's not on there - and the wonderful thing is that this upset me.
S:G*)H#OU%*&DYGH$P#*(H!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is not supposed to upset me! This is supposed to be an Oh, well whatever type of deal. WHY IS IT NOT AN OH WELL WHATEVER TYPE OF DEAL!?
GOD DAMN IT.
I'm supposed to be over this. Finally, after a few months I had STOPPED THINKING ABOUT HIM PERIOD. As in, he never entered my thoughts anymore. BUT DAMNIT, one little thing and suddenly he's back up in my head, and I can't stop remembering and OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP.
I hate this. I hate, hate, hate it. I want to be over him. He's supposed to be an asshole (according to Jessica, who knew him growing up, and various other people) ~ But despite knowing he can be a real jerk, I can't help but feel something. A part of me prays that everyone is wrong and that he's better than what they make him out to be. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DECIDE FOR MYSELF.
BUT.
I DON'T!
I WANT TO BE OVER HIM! WHY AM I NOT OVER HIM!? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SHIT?!
GOD. Why won't he just get the fuck out of my head? This has never happened to me before. Seriously, I've had crushes before, but until this day I've prided myself on being able to control my emotions, and being able to squash any feelings I may have had for anyone else. (Hey, being gay in high school and having crushes on straight boys is not a fun thing. Can you blame me for building walls?)
But with Nick, it's like no matter how much I try, no matter how much time passes, the slightest mention leaves me where I was. And I don't want that.
What is it about him that makes me want him so? Yeah, he's cute. Very cute. But that's not even it. He's surprisingly smart, has an amazing sense of humour (enough so to keep up with me, if anyone can remember our witty repartes), and can be strangely affectionate.
When I told Jessica about the time Nick noticed that I was unhappy and tried to cheer me up, she looked genuinely shocked. As in, that's not something he's wont to do for people on a regular basis.
Why me?
GOD.
It's little things like that... things that contradict the rumours, and whatnot. Things that make me think he can be better than what he's made out to be. Things like that that make me want to learn if he's better than what he's made out to be.
But it's too late, no? I didn't keep in contact with him, had some time to get his email, but now it's far too late to make that look as though it's just casual interest in wanting to talk to him.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT TO BE OVER HIM. WHY AM I NOT OVER HIM?
God, I'm so pathetic sometimes. I've got this whole image of being in control, and flirty, and confident ~ but it's nothing like that at all.
I've done the sex thing. Easy. Whatever. I can seduce a man into bed with me without even trying. Tried and proven. But that's not what I want. What I want is to be able to connect with someone on a human level, to give myself a chance to be loved, and to be open to the possibility of loving somebody back. To be able to accept someone for their flaws, and be accepted for my own. I've never really had something like that, not in any romantic sense anyway ~ and a part of me wants it. The rest of me scoffs at it as being 'overly romantic' or 'ridiculously sentimental' ~ but I can't deny this, and lately it's been coming to the fore more and more often.
Erica once said to me that I was very much like Inara Serra of Firefly/Serenity. Sure it's funny - Inara's thewhore courtesian - but honestly? It did ring true. Erica even thought it did. Inara, in a way, is very much like me. She too has had many liasons, but finds it difficult to be able to let go emotionally. I guess this is why I love her character so much.
Want to know something hilarious though? NICK IS ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE MAL!!! (Inara's love interest in the show/movie) ~ Personality and even LOOKS!! DEAR GOD, MAKE IT STOP.
Hilarious how things work out, right?
Isn't life stupid? Why is life so stupid?
;___;
I know I'm not gonna be too active on there, because the same thing happened with my Hi5 account too ~ *shrug*
But Jessica (my friend from Humber Nurseries, anyone?) was on there too, so we added eachother and proceeded to spam one another's walls (message boards) and generally had way too much fun
Talking to Jessica made me remember Nick, so I was like What the hell? What's the harm?. So, I looked him up to see if he was on there. Basically I went through like 10 pages of people named "Nick Michael" and couldn't find him. ARGH. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO HAVE SUCH A FREAKING COMMON NAME!? *deep breath*
But yeah, he's not on there - and the wonderful thing is that this upset me.
S:G*)H#OU%*&DYGH$P#*(H!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is not supposed to upset me! This is supposed to be an Oh, well whatever type of deal. WHY IS IT NOT AN OH WELL WHATEVER TYPE OF DEAL!?
GOD DAMN IT.
I'm supposed to be over this. Finally, after a few months I had STOPPED THINKING ABOUT HIM PERIOD. As in, he never entered my thoughts anymore. BUT DAMNIT, one little thing and suddenly he's back up in my head, and I can't stop remembering and OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP.
I hate this. I hate, hate, hate it. I want to be over him. He's supposed to be an asshole (according to Jessica, who knew him growing up, and various other people) ~ But despite knowing he can be a real jerk, I can't help but feel something. A part of me prays that everyone is wrong and that he's better than what they make him out to be. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DECIDE FOR MYSELF.
BUT.
I DON'T!
I WANT TO BE OVER HIM! WHY AM I NOT OVER HIM!? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS SHIT?!
GOD. Why won't he just get the fuck out of my head? This has never happened to me before. Seriously, I've had crushes before, but until this day I've prided myself on being able to control my emotions, and being able to squash any feelings I may have had for anyone else. (Hey, being gay in high school and having crushes on straight boys is not a fun thing. Can you blame me for building walls?)
But with Nick, it's like no matter how much I try, no matter how much time passes, the slightest mention leaves me where I was. And I don't want that.
What is it about him that makes me want him so? Yeah, he's cute. Very cute. But that's not even it. He's surprisingly smart, has an amazing sense of humour (enough so to keep up with me, if anyone can remember our witty repartes), and can be strangely affectionate.
When I told Jessica about the time Nick noticed that I was unhappy and tried to cheer me up, she looked genuinely shocked. As in, that's not something he's wont to do for people on a regular basis.
Why me?
GOD.
It's little things like that... things that contradict the rumours, and whatnot. Things that make me think he can be better than what he's made out to be. Things like that that make me want to learn if he's better than what he's made out to be.
But it's too late, no? I didn't keep in contact with him, had some time to get his email, but now it's far too late to make that look as though it's just casual interest in wanting to talk to him.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO. I WANT TO BE OVER HIM. WHY AM I NOT OVER HIM?
God, I'm so pathetic sometimes. I've got this whole image of being in control, and flirty, and confident ~ but it's nothing like that at all.
I've done the sex thing. Easy. Whatever. I can seduce a man into bed with me without even trying. Tried and proven. But that's not what I want. What I want is to be able to connect with someone on a human level, to give myself a chance to be loved, and to be open to the possibility of loving somebody back. To be able to accept someone for their flaws, and be accepted for my own. I've never really had something like that, not in any romantic sense anyway ~ and a part of me wants it. The rest of me scoffs at it as being 'overly romantic' or 'ridiculously sentimental' ~ but I can't deny this, and lately it's been coming to the fore more and more often.
Erica once said to me that I was very much like Inara Serra of Firefly/Serenity. Sure it's funny - Inara's the
Hilarious how things work out, right?
Isn't life stupid? Why is life so stupid?
;___;
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no subject
Date: 2006-10-02 12:52 am (UTC)stupid facebook, eh?
no subject
Date: 2006-10-02 01:12 am (UTC)He likes to melt army men with a magnifying glass.
GAH-HAH, I am so not helping.
*squishesesyou*
no subject
Date: 2006-10-02 02:48 am (UTC)And I understand the way you feel about Zach. Seriously, me too, it *is* the most frustratign thing in the world. I can really give you advice on that, because I sort of have stopped trying to get over him after...3 or 4 years T_T And just keep pursuign him. I am so courting disaster...you should court disaster too! it certainly makes life interesting ^^
no subject
Date: 2006-10-02 02:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-02 03:05 am (UTC)Yeah... God... I feel like such an emo writing this post XDXD;; ~ But yuss, courting disaster sounds to be the much fun :D ~ Let us court togethar! 8D