LIfe just sucks right now... Prepare yourselves for 'Yue's coming out extravaganza!'...

Oh man... where do I begin?

Before I get into the crux of this entry, I'm gonna start w/ a quick little message to Lauren and Sabrina:

I wish I could have been saying this in person, or at the very least, on MSN or something. But I don't get to see either of you anymore, and Sabrina doesn't have MSN, and Lauren's never online. I really didn't want to have to do this in a journal entry because that makes it feel so impersonal, which I why I went about telling all of my friends one by one. But circumstances have changed. I need to rant. Badly. And in order to do so, I've got clear things up with everyone first. There's no sense in delaying this further... I'm gay. There. It's been said, it's out there, so take it as you will. I'm sure that you two must've suspected at some point or another ~ and admittedly, I've been almost blatant here on LJ, so yeah. I honestly wish I could've done this in person, I really do, but as I said before circumstances have changed a bit. I'll understand if you dont' want to associate with me ever again, and I won't hold it against you - though off course I'd be really sad. And right now, I don't think I have the capacity to feel any worse.

Well, here comes the brunt of the entry.

My mom found out. Yesterday night. Honestly, it feels almost unreal... like, strange... and it didn't go over so well. I'm not sure if my Dad knows yet, he wasn't at home yesterday... but he will by tonight... I'll start at the beginning I guess, no use confusing things any more than they are.

My Mother and I were driving home from visiting my grandparents. Somehow the topic of liking girls came up, for some reason or another, and my mom asked 'Do you even like girls? I never hear you talking about any', and I just laughed it off and said 'yeah, just 'cause I don't talk about it, doesn't mean it's not there'. She seemed happy with the answer and just laughed and said 'Well, with Rav (my younger bro), he's always talking about girls, and when he sees one he likes he always says something about them, like on TV or whatever'. And I just laughed again and said, 'Please Mum. I'm not as vulgar as Rav' (irony, much? lol) And so the topic went from being vaguely ackward to something that was just funny and trivial. We drove for a while and just listened to the music that was playing. Then she asked, 'So I've got nothing to worry about, right?', to which I said 'What's there to worry about?'. We drove in silence for a minute or so, and then she turned off the music and said, 'You didn't answer my question though. Do I have anything to worry about?', I turned to her and said, laughingly, 'Well, what's there to worry about! Nothing, right? Exactly'. She seemed relieved by this answer, and then laughingly said 'So, there're no homosexual feelings right?'

I froze.

I had no idea what the hell I should've done. I didn't want to say no, and I didn't want to say yes. So I just said nothing.

She asked me two more times. Finally I turned to her and asked 'What do you think?' and she just said, 'What should I think? Tell me. Yes or no'. So I just said 'Maybe'. I was honestly dumbstruck. I couldn't think of what to do, what to say, how to react, anything. I tried to think of a solution, but nothing would come to my mind. I had gone numb. It felt so like a dream, like it wasn't actually happening because it wasn't at all as I had thought it would be. I had been planning on telling them after college, when I had a job and possibly a place - when I'd be able to fend for myself. I kind of put it off to the back of my mind, thinking that it's too soon to worry about what to say to them, how to approach them, and the like. Now here I am, with nothing to say. With no idea how to approach. Fucking hell.

We reached the basement of our condo complex and she stopped the van, and we just sat there. Then we talked about it (or argued, depending on your point of view). It kind of started calmly, she was trying to persuade me to try and change myself, and in the beginning I calmly listened to her and tried to tell her it's not as easy as it looks. We kind of went back and forth for close to a half n' hour before we decided to go upstairs (it was freezing cold in the van by then, as the heat was off). Once we reached upstairs, Mom went change/use the bathroom, and so I took a couple of moments to warn my bro that she knew. My brother has known for a long time now about me, and he's been totally cool with it. Anyways, I gave him the heads up, and he seemed as shocked as I was.

My mom came into the living room and we pretty well continued from where we left off. She just kept on saying the same thing, 'The mind is a powerful thing, you have the abilitiy to change yourself. You shouldn't be like this, it's wrong. I just want whats best for my child, I want my child to live a normal life. It's what any parent would want. No parent would ever accept this of their child. You think your friends support you now? What about when they grow up, do you think they'll want you around to be an influence on their own children? They're not gonna support you forever, and your family wouldn't accept this. Who will you have? You can change yourself, there's still time. You're only 18, that's nothing. You don't know what you want yet, you still have so much time to make yourself change, just make yourself interested in more guy things; cut your hair, play more sports, take an interest in watching sports with the men of the family, take more interest in girls, look for something you like in them. I'm telling you, no one will want to associate with you, especially in our family/community (Indians), It's going to be so hard for you to live - why would you want to live a life like that? Why wouldn't you just want to live a normal and happy life, without having to stand out of the crowd and be pointed at and be talked about behind your back? You said you tried changing yourself before? That's nothing, you haven't tried it with the support of your family. We can help you, we can get professional help, see the doctors. You can still do this...'

It was like sitting through a really bad nightmare. She kept asking me to look at things from her perspective, as mother, and how she and my father would have to deal with the shame of everyone talking about it. Of how they wouldn't be able to associate with anyone anymore. And I did, I did look at it from her perspective, and I did sympathize with her. But she refused to look at it from my perspective. She refused to even try.

I've tried changing myself. I've tried many times. When I was younger, I'd cut my hair the same way everyone else did, I'd wear the same clothes everyone else did, I'd talk like everyone else, listen to the same music, like the same type of girls. I really tried. Yeah, I fit in. I was accepted as part of the 'norm', but I was never happy. I was always lying to myself and others, and so I was never happy. By the time high school rolled around, I began to stop caring about all that stuff. I didn't try to be 'popular' anymore, I just didn't care about making fake friends because I knew that ultimately, it would lead to having to be fake myself in order to fit in with them. So I became closed, introverted, whatever. Alot of people thought I was an asshole, but that wasn't it. I was just shy. But I'm glad I was the way I was because instead of making tons of fake friends, I made fewer, closer friends. And I was happy. They liked me for me, they had similar interests to me, and I enjoyed every second I spent with them. I would give anything for them without thinking twice because that's how much I care for them. For once in my life I was happy with myself, of who I was, and of where I belonged.

Now they want me to try changing myself all over again. Again I'm supposed to go through the pain and the trouble and the fake smiles and the fake laughs and all of that bullshit. Well fuck that. I'm am sick and tired of it. I refuse to bend over backwards for the sake of backward minded people. If they won't accept me, then fine. That's their decision. Off course it'll hurt - it'll hurt alot. But it'll hurt more for me to hide again, to get married and have kids and just know. Know the truth of what I am, and of who I am, and know that I ran away.

Fuck. That.

She kept on trying to convince me that I wasn't born this way, that it must've been nurture as opposed to nature. I disagree. I lived in a distinctly homophobic atmosphere. It was never talked about. Never mentioned. Never approved of. I grew up knowing this.

I had my first crush on a boy in the first grade. The FIRST GRADE. I must've been, what? Four? Five? Six at the most. I was always an intellegent and perceptive child. Even then I knew it was strange for me to be feeling this way about one of my classmates, but I didn't think too much on it. I was just a child afterall, what the hell did these things matter?

Now. The atmosphere I grew up in. The first time I can remember having homosexual tendencies. Tell me, do you think that's a product of surroundings/circumstances? I, personally, don't think so. My mother is using the argument that 'If you can be changed to be this way by some kind of influence, then you can just as easily be changed back.'

Well, what if I don't want to be changed back? I'm finally comfortable with myself. I'm happy with who I am, and I've got people that care about me. What? I'm supposed to throw this away, so I can hide? I don't think so.

Come what may, I will not back down.

I've still got to deal with my Dad, and whoever else... I don't know how I'll handle it, but I wont' back down. I won't be stepped on and mulled over to fit into a cookie-cutter mould. I think I said this before but, fuck that.